Plus One Ninja
by Firefly99
Summary: [One-shot, not THAT braindead] Ghost Nibelheim isn't the best place to hang out, and when all you have to entertain you is a loony ninja and a pair of ten-sided dice it's unlikely to become much better...


"So," Yuffie read. "So, One Winged Bladesman Ka'Raudoh Sturifé Firebrand, as you enter through the door to the north you are attacked by a…a walking doughnut. You are equipped with the Plus Four Breaker Sword. Make your rolls."

Previously, Cloud had thought that Yuffie would have no influence over him at anything. She was…Yuffie. And he thought it would have to be a really cold day in hell before he'd ever get caught playing Mires and Monsters.

Therefore, getting caught playing Mires and Monsters because Yuffie asked him was well out of the question.

By that logic, he was dreaming this whole thing.

Barret – or rather Lord Baa-raaht Waluwyss, Tamer of the Chaotic Pit as Yuffie had dubbed him – was sitting to his left, holding his character sheet with a state of complete confusion written on his face. Tifa (Lo-Kerahtu Heyahta, High Wytch-Priestess of the Grand Goddess Tifaretta) was crouched down to his right, her long legs spread out to her side as she demurely examined the list of Black Magick she could cast at Level Two. Aeris, who Yuffie had renamed Aey'eriss Ganessabough, Summoner of the White Ocean, was sitting to Yuffie's left, cross-legged and trying to understand the rules for riding winged mounts.

Nanaki (Scarletmane, the Silverfanged Flamebeast of the Crimson Canyon) was posed cattishly beside the game board, his tail held high in the air and claws tearing small amounts of fluff from the thick, stained inn carpet. Cloud – or, for that matter, any of the others – had yet figured out whether Nanaki was canine or feline (or maybe even lupine) but his current, nonchalant pose added a few points to the 'cat' category.

"A walking doughnut?" Cloud asked. Yuffie nodded.

"Yeah. A vicious doughnutoid that dwells in the catacombs of Morrahta. It differs from regular doughnutoids in that it is a sentient life form with arms, legs and a vicious temperament."

"That's a very stupid monster," Summoner Aey'eriss commented quietly.

"If you met it, you wouldn't say that. It's twenty feet tall."

"Still, it is stupid."

"I think the Shinra H31L H0U53 guardroids are stupider than a twenty-foot doughnut, and they strike fear into the hearts of slum vandals everywhere."

"I still don't think that Ancient Nibel had giant dou – "

"Whatever," Cloud sighed. "I choose to eat the – the doughnutoid, or whatever you call it."

Yuffie smirked. "OH, no you can't! It's laced with cyanide."

"OK…Fine. I'll attack the freaking doughnut."

"Language, Cloud, LANGUAGE!" Yuffie chastised jokingly.

Cloud sighed. His head was beginning to protest. "Perhaps we should let Aeris be Gamesmaster…"

"WHAT? Her again? She's rubbish! Her monsters are all boring! 'We're in the catacombs, and we meet a vampire! He wants to saaahk your blaaaahd! You beat the vampire, and along comes a zombie! He wants to eeeeaaaat your braaaaaains!' Bo-ring."

"I thought you'd meet a lot of undead in the catacombs," Summoner Aey'eriss began defensively, but Yuffie interrupted.

"Yeah, but it's boring. It's predictable .It has no flair. Ka'raudoh Firebrand, did you for one moment suspect that a walking doughnut would attack you?"

"Well, you're the Gamesmaster, so…yes."

Yuffie rolled her eyes and sighed deeply, sinking limply onto her legs.

"OK, whatever. Make your rolls."

'Ka'raudoh' sighed, and threw the dice.

"Eight," he read. "And I get four added to that roll from my sword – "

" – and one point for being a Bladesman equipped with a sword, which gives you a character class bonus, which adds up to…thirteen."

'Ka'raudoh' nodded.

"Right," Yuffie said, rolling the dice herself. "The doughnut only gets a three. So your blow hits the doughnut for thirteen points of damage."

"Are you just making up these rules as you go along? I don't think M&M is played like this – " 'Lo-Kerahtu' protested, but Yuffie waved her off.

"Can you blame me? That rulebook is _long_."

'Ka'raudoh' rolled his eyes.

"Anyway," Yuffie continued, "the doughnut counters."

"So, then. Your turn."

Grinning, she grabbed the dice and rolled them across the floor. "Nine! Beat that, Firebrand."

'Ka'raudoh' seized the dice and pitched them along the floor.

"Ten," he decreed.

"And, at that moment," Yuffie interrupted, "Aey'eriss Ganessabough enters the room through the door to the northeast."

"So, the room I was in was to the northeast of Clou – um, Ka'raudoh's room?"

"Yep," Yuffie said. "_There's_ a convenient plot device for you. Aren't I nice?"

"So. Aey'eriss Ganessabough, what do you want to do?"

"I'll help out the handsome young warrior," Aeris said, without a second's hesitation. "And I'll call a Æpoc to help him."

The Æpocs had been a game mechanic of Yuffie's. You could call an Æpoc, a monster, to fight alongside you. On the first turn, the Æpoc's attack was impossible to intercept.

Naturally, they weren't a very balanced idea. Yuffie hadn't got as far as she had using balanced ideas.

"I choose…uh…the Dark Æpoc."

Yuffie took one look at 'Aey'eriss' and launched into a monologue.

"On silvery, white wings, the Dark Æpoc flies down at twice the speed of sound to meet you. He lands, carefully, on the stone floor of the catacombs. His eyes open up at you, as dark as a swirling vortex of starts, and – "

"Swirling vortexes of stars aren't dark," Tifa pointed out, "unless, of course, they're black holes, when they're actually a swirling vortex caused by the mass of a star becoming great enough to – "

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big whup. So. The Dark Æpoc arrives. It is sparkly. It is cool. Now roll for your Æpoc."

'Aey'eriss' rolled the dice.

"Whoo-hoo! Nine, plus five for being an Æpoc, two for being called by a Summoner, one because of the Auto-Strength White Magick skill I activated thirteen turns ago, and one because it's the Æpoc's first turn. That adds up to…uh…fourteen, sixteen…eighteen damage."

"The doughnut is vaporised. You dismiss the Æpoc, and gain thirteen gold. The monster was carrying it."

"Why would it need to carry go – " began Red, but Yuffie silenced him with a Level Twelve Death Stare skill that can only be used by the Gamesmaster character class.

"Right. You and Aey'eriss are in the same room together, Ka'raudoh. You…you can talk to each other, if you want."

"Hi," said Aey'eriss.

"Hi," replied Ka'raudoh.

"I…I like your…Level two sword skills," said Aey'eriss.

"Thanks. You have nice… Æpocs."

"So."

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Uh?"

"No, I mean….What are you….achieving…y'know…?"

"My quest?"

"Yep."

"Um. I don't know. Surviving, I suppose."

"A hero without an aim," cut in Yuffie. "How dramatic. I'm _trembling_ with the melodrama, really I am – NOT! Come up with something."

"Right. I'm…I want…I want to kill someone who…did me wrong – "

"Did you WRONG!" Yuffie shrieked. "Please, keep this game clean."

"No, I don't mean like that, I mean…"

"We all know what you mean," Yuffie said, in a honeyishly patronising tone.

"You mean," Aey'eriss said, conveniently, "the man who destroyed your hometown and killed your family?"

"Yes," Ka'raudoh said, nodding heavily. It…it didn't feel like something to joke about, though.

Before Yuffie could comment, he lowered his eyes to the character sheet.

"May I do something now?" asked Red.

"Fine, Scarletmane. You are in a room. The walls are cold and wet with mildew. A large Bestial Mauler zooms into the room. What do you do?"

"Eat it," said Scarletmane.

"What?"

"Kill and eat it. My species often eats other feral species. I have not eaten for quite some time, so I kill and eat the Mauler."

Yuffie blinked.

Red sighed. "This game is pointless. I'm going."

With that, he picked his claws out of the thick carpet and padded his way out of the cramped bedroom. Yuffie called after him ('Scarletmane, you haven't made your rolls!') but there was no reply.

Aey'eriss sighed. Lo-Kerahtu raised her head.

"I should go. He might do something stupid."

"No – no, don't go? Please? I need other players! It's no fun one-on-one!"

Tifa got up. Ka'raudoh noticed the length of her legs. God, she was –

"DAMMIT! Am I THAT bad a gamesmaster?"

Cloud patted her shoulder. "It's alright. It's only that this game is really…" He searched around for the right word, and failed. "Really…bizarre."

Yuffie sighed, lowering her head. She looked just like a little kid.

"Well. Barret. You wanna pl – "

"I'm not wastin' my time here no longer," snorted the huge man, forcing himself off the floor with a hand the size of a dinner plate. Yuffie nearly screamed.

"I guess that leaves you and me and Aeris," Cloud said, softly. He'd enjoyed the game. A bit of silliness helps things along.

Aeris nodded, and patted Yuffie on the back. "Cheer up! It's not that bad!"

Yuffie groaned. "What's the point? What's the point of carrying on with only two people?"

Aeris sighed. "OK. Very well. I'll tell the others it's safe to return, then." Rising with a swish of pink, she headed towards the door. Cloud noticed with appreciation how gorgeous her walk was, and how her long twist of hair swayed with every step she took.

"Ooo. Naughty thoughts, eh, Cloudy," Yuffie teased. Aeris' head twisted around.

"What?" she aksed, puzzled.

"Cloudy, your eyes were practically out on stalks staring at her pretty little pink a – "

"Nothing," Cloud said, adding a shrug that made her giggle.

"That's OK, then. Well. See ya in a while!"

The door slammed shut. Cloud felt Yuffie staring at her.

"You do know…why I started this game, right?"

Cloud thought. "I don't know. Were you high on lemonade again?"

"Oh, no. This time I wasn't actually under the influence of any substance whatsoever," Yuffie laughed. "Why else?" She picked herself up from the floor and pointed to the bed. "Wanna join me?"

_Bed._

"In what?" Cloud asked suspiciously, knowing exactly what sort of thing the resident ninja would want. Yuffie turned pink.

"Ooops. I meant…would you want to sit next to me on the bed? I didn't want us to - "

"I get the picture," Cloud said, parking himself beside her.

"Well…about why I started the game. I…" Yuffie sighed, and blinked back tears. Cloud tilted his head, a little puzzled.

"I wanted to cheer you up, Cloud. I noticed…this…thing…I mean, I saw you were…all depressed and everything. This is your hometown, innit? My dad told me it'd all burned down because the people in it had resisted SOLDIER…but we had a war on back then. It could have been propaganda…"

"It's not entirely," Cloud began. "It…" He might as well be blunt, he thought. Swallowing, he continued. "Sephiroth, two Regulars and I came to this town five years ago to investigate mutations being caused in the local wildlife which might have been caused by the Reactor."  
"Oh."

"We turned off the valve which was causing the Reactor to malfunction and leak Mako energy all over the mountains, but Sephiroth and I saw people who had also been mutated. Some of them were dead. Some were alive. Sephiroth freed one out of pity. It died on contact with the atmosphere. He began to suspect foul play, and started to believe that he was one of the monsters, too, a Mako mutation."

Yuffie nodded. "And then…he went…crazy?"

"He saw the biggest monster of all. He'd been told as a child that his mother was called Jenova. There was this monster in a pod and it was labelled Jenova. He began to think that she was his mother."

"Jenova! That's that big ball of slime we fought on the ship!"

"Yes. I know he's a…child of science, but I'm not sure what really happened to him." Cloud sighed. "It'd be good to know. We should track down someone who was there – a scientist working on the project, maybe – and threaten him into talking."

"Hmm."

"Anyway," Cloud explained, "the next day the man went mad and burned my town to the ground, along with everyone inside."

Yuffie patted him on the shoulder. "Your parents…were they…?"

"My mother was."

"I'm…so sorry."

Cloud nodded. "Thanks, but there's no need to be. I've gotten used to the idea."

"No. My mother…in the War…" Yuffie sighed, and threw on a shaky grin. "It's OK. Anyway, I thought I'd start the game to cheer you up."

"What?"

"I do most things to cheer you up. Or me up. Or to stop me thinking about…my mother in the War. I don't like being sad. I don't like you being sad either."

"Why not?"

Yuffie blushed. "Because you…you know, you're _you_, you know?"

"You what?"

"Sorry," she giggled. "I…wanna see you happy. You're never happy. I've never seen you smile. Not once."

"I…don't have a lot to smile about right now."

"Oh, come on! You've got your life. You've got your health. You've got your youth…but that sounds like something my Dad would say. You've got your sword, and you used to be a SOLDIER so you KNOW you're cool. You've got a group of loyal idiots who follow you around to Hell and back, and there's also me, who is so totally awesome no-one will be able to feel miserable when she's around – "

"Does acting like an arse make you feel big?" Cloud asked.

"Yep," Yuffie sighed. "Hey. I'm a teenager for frigg's sake. Every teenager needs some way to take away the crushing angst."

"Angst?"

"Hmm. Don't you remember what it's like to be sixteen?" she asked, eyes all a-sparkle.

Cloud thought, trying to think of something that must have happened when he was sixteen other than that trip to Nibelheim.

"I'm sorry. I can't."

"Oh," Yuffie shrugged. "Well, simply put, it's like being mentally ill. Except it's more sucky. Half of you feels great and whizzy and like a ten-year-old…but the rest of you wants to wax poetic on the Great Darkness. Know what I mean?"

"Not really," Cloud sighed. "The Great Darkness sounds like one of your monsters."

"Yeah!" Yuffie giggled. "The Great Darkness who lives in…"

"Morroth."

"And he's like a giant bat…"

"…with horns."

Yuffie collapsed backwards onto the bed, squealing with laughter. Feeling a little awkward, Cloud stared at her for a few minutes –

and then, on impulse, used his Level Seventeen Tickle skill.

Yuffie emitted a _squuueeeeeeaaaaal _that could break glass. When she finally managed to bat his hands off her, her eyes were shiny with tears of laughter.

"You know? Cloud? I wish you were a teenager again."

He tilted his head. "Why?"

"You look like you deserve it after all you've been through, a bit of a crazy obnoxious teen romance with a crazy obnoxious teen." She hopped up onto her feet. "Damn, you got pretty hair. I'm off to go kick Tifa's ass for walking out on me. See ya!"

Dazed, Cloud flopped backwards onto the bed.

Weird.

He checked to see that no-one was around and pitched the dice across the floor. Seven…seven.

Maybe Ka'Raudoh Sturifé Firebrand was luckier than he looked.

* * *

_Firefly's Feelings (or why I wrote this travesty)_

Long story short – two friends both ask me for a challenge fic. One friend asks me for a CloudxYuffie with the line, 'Your turn'. One asks me for the FF characters playing the FF equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons, RedXIII in a strop and Cloud finding someone other than the fic's main love interest REALLY sexy.

So guess what came out of my keyboard.

Oh, and the reason why the D&D (well, M&M) part of this fic didn't add up is because I have no idea how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

If you're a purist, then please direct your Level Three Halfling Rogue up your Level Four Personal Orifice.

Thankie much.

Oh yeah...and you have to be a total FF7 monster buff (or else me) to try and justify the Hell House... Any other suggestions on the Hell House's real existence? (After that, work on the Sculptue and FFX's Demonolith. You have to be a random monster nerd to understand any of that.)


End file.
